Being In Limbo

I feel emotionally unsettled these days. One year ago I was ready to begin a new phase of my life as an empty nester. A month into it, I discovered I have lung cancer. My world was turned upside down. This time last year I didn't know if I would live a year. I was more worried about being disabled than dying. And I worried about what would happen to my wife and daughters.

Here we are nearly one year later and I am still trucking along, as I did before, not too badly impacted by the treatments, which have been nearly non-stop. Thankfully, the treatments have worked well on me and I show "no evidence of disease" as I write this. But you have to wonder, how long will I remain cancer free? How long will it be before it recurs? Fact is, I don't know if I will be having more problems soon or years from now. It is unknowable.

I feel like I am in limbo, unable to move forward with life and I am not sure now how exactly to proceed. Paula is married and living in California. June is in Hawaii. Jessie is in school in Florida. I am locked into my job with Morgan Stanley for six more years (my employment contract is for 7 years).

I was thinking that I would like to get Yoko situated, in case I am not here. I think it is unlikely that she would stay in Florida very long if I am not here. But where would she go? We have lots of friends and strong support here. Moving to a new area would mean having to start over. Yoko could do it on her own, I suppose, but I would rather be there to help her make a the transition to a new place.

I think she would like to move out West. California is certainly one possibility. Yoko might be interested in living in La Jolla, near Yuko Campbell, who is like a sister. I just think La Jolla is beyond the pale when it comes to expensive. I thought Palm Springs would be nice, and a little less expensive, but Yoko is not real keen on the heat. So we will have to be looking.

One thought I had was to sell our current home, pay off the mortgage, and build a new place in a golf community here in Punta Gorda and have no mortgage. We are looking into this now. It really depends on how much we might sell our home for today. What I would be doing is swapping one place for another, but at the same time downsizing into something that is relatively inexpensive today but with a better chance to appreciate down the road. I would be putting Yoko in a position where, if I was not around, she could continue on with low overhead. We would still be in this area so she could still benefit from the help of friends.

Another possibility is to just stay where we are and pay off most of the mortgage over the next year. If I last six years, and I am free to move, maybe at that time I transfer to a Morgan Stanley office out West and sell my Punta Gorda business to my partner. Uncertainty makes it hard to make any plans.

I decided to work from home today. I just did not feel like going into the office, and besides, I can access my desktop remotely from home. I have done a little bit of work, but I feel distracted and anxious. Is there ever a time in your life when you are worry free?