Finding "The Groove"

I promised to publish some of the pictures Paula Kennedy took. Here is one I really like...Yoko and myself. Don't we look like we really belong together? I like to say that I had to go half way around the world to find her, pick her out from the millions in the crowded streets of Tokyo, and sell myself to her. Let me tell you.... selling me was a tough close, but it was the best close I ever made! My persistence paid off because everyone that knows her loves her, me most of all.

Last weekend I spent some time writing a letter to my congressman. I published the blog today (look at the next blog) and let me know what you think. I want to start a grass roots campaign to get more research dollars for lung cancer screening, research and awareness. You can help by cutting and pasting my letter into an e-mail you send to people you know, asking them to do the same.

Let me switch gears. I was talking with Len Johnson about golf the other day and how most of golf has nothing to do with your ability and everything to do with your mental approach. We shoot high scores between our ears...golf is an easy game if you are "in the groove." (I am playing golf with Len, Bob Frame an Jim Morello tomorow morning, and I am hoping to kick ass up and down Twin Isles, even though I have't played in two weeks. The key will be if I can get "in the groove".)

I became a teenager during the 60's and one favorite expression of the time was "groovie." Simon and Garfunkel picked up on the fashionable word of the day and put it in a song. I remember how much my mother liked their song and really perked up when singing "Feeling Groovie!" I am not sure I ever really understood what feeling "groovie" was suppose to mean -- and I am not sure there is an agreed definition, but I suppose we could assign the meaning to be "feeling good as a result of being in the groove."

After a diagnosis of cancer, your life feels like it is upside down. Your expectations of tomorrow are suddenly changed. You have a new set of worries and concerns. The biggest concern is about "what happens next." No doctor wants to tell you how the disease might progress or what is likely to happen because they don't know. In short, getting a diagnosis of a terminal disease like lung cancer takes you out of your day to day "groove." All of a sudden your daily life is upset. Nothing seems right and nothing you do feels right. All you REALLY want is to get back in the groove of your daily life. Referring to golf, Len said it best. It is like an olympic bobsled speeding down the track...and all of a sudden when you hit a bump or curve that takes you out -- you either recover or you go flying off the track. The goal in golf, bobsleding and dealing with cancer is maintaining your composure and getting back into the groove that will guide you safely to a happy end.

Here is how I have come to think about my "chances" of beating cancer to get back in the groove. To say you are going to beat lung cancer is like saying you expect tails on the next flip of the coin, even though you flipped the coin 100 times so far and it came up tails only 15 times! In fact, in this example, every flip has a 50 / 50 chance on EACH flip of the coin. There is NO predicting the NEXT flip based on the last 100 flips! (In the parlance of Wall Street -- past performanc is not indicative of future results!) On the other hand.... If you flipped a coin 10,000 times, I would NOT bet that you would get all heads or all tails...I would expect the likely outcome is that I would get 5000 tails and 5000 heads or close to those numbers unless the coin was somehow being affected by outside influences (weight, wind, the flipping technique, etc.)

Each cancer case is a flip of the coin. We don't KNOW what the outcome will be, even though we know we have a 50% chance of heads and a 50% chance of tails. (In my case, I have statistically a 15% chance for cure and a 85% chance for no cure.) The outside influences (youth, good performance status, good reaction to therapy, no mets, good doctor, etc.) increases my chances for a cure....let's say to 50%. Now, if I can get in a "positive mental groove" the outcome will be in my favor. This is like trying to make a put in golf. I can make long puts when I am in the groove and have confidence of making long puts. Same thing here. I am glad to report that I am feeling "groovie."

Now on to the news. I could say "more of the same" but that would not make for much of a report. So here goes...

I'll start backward. I went to have chemo (navelbine only) on Friday and I got the report from the nurse that my white blood cell (WBC) count was only 2 (normal is 4.2 - 10). Last week it was 3.6 and I got the full treatment of cisplatin and navelbine. They don't like to give chemo if your WBC gets below 3, so the nurse had to check with Scott to see what to do. Scott came back to the infusion room and after discussing it with me decided to go ahead with the chemo but to order 3 shots of neupogen starting Saturday. I got the buzz from the decatron this morning (it is now Saturday at 6:30 AM) so here I am as usual working on the blog! I will get my shot at 8AM, come home to eat, and go golfing at 10 AM. I will come home by 2 PM and help Yoko get ready to entertain friends tonight for dinner. (I think we are having stuffed salmon.)

Yesterday, after chemo I went to the clinic to sign checks and then went to pick up a client that we invited to come over for lunch. She is a 78 year old woman whose husband was killed 5 years ago by colon cancer. She is kind of lonely and not feeling too well these days, so I decided to ask her over. Yoko made a very nice lunch of veal and spagetti, apple pie and fruit. Eileen is an RN so after lunch I took her over to the clinic to show her what we are doing. She was impressed and maybe I will be able to recruit her to help us out. We need retired nurses.

I took Eileen home after that and dropped by the office to catch up on some work. Eileen gave me some crutches to donate to SVDP she had purchased for her late husband, so I took these by the clinic on my way home. I had a chance to speak with more volunteers and watch the clinic in action.

Continuing backwards, on Thursday night I was up in Sarasota for a meeting with the Executive Director and Board of our SVDP Community Pharmacy of Sarasota to talk finances. I had to leave the office at 3:30PM for a 4:30PM meeting n Sarasota and I did not get home until 8:30 in the evening. So Thursday was kind of a short work day.

Wednesday I had Rotary in the morning and I was in Sarasota again to record a spot on the local TV station, "Charlotte Today" in the afternoon. I was there representing Peace River Rotary and to talk about the Munholand Fund with Carolyn Freeland. We left the office at 1:30PM and got back to the office by 4:30PM. I was suppose to go to a seminar on Wednesday evening, but we had a very low turnout (only 3 or 4 people) so I let Ryan and the wholesaler do it without me.

Tuesday evening I had a "Project Graduation" meeting at the high school. So far we have raised about $16,000. We still need to find another $2k -$4k to match what we have raised in previous years. I spent most of Tuesday at the office trying to finish business for the month. I had an OK month -- a little better than average, but nothing to write home about. It has been hard for me work on a shortened work week, stay involved in the charities, and still produce at the level I would like. The good news is we have about 6 weeks to go before people start leaving town and April is shaping up to be another good month.

Monday is so long ago, I don't remember what I did. No wait a second...I remember now. Paula went home on Monday on a 6 AM flight. Yoko and I both got up at 3 AM to take her down to the airport. We got to the airport at 4:30 AM....had coffee with her and left her to make her way back to Bakersfield. She had a good time visiting and we were glad to see her, of course. We spent most of our time together talking about the wedding. I told her I REALLY don't want her to worry about it. Everyone is coming and it will be a great time. Hopefully she will relax and have fun. Anyway, Yoko and I got home around 5:30 AM...she went back to work and I went to my home PC. I accessed my office computer from home and got a lot done (cleaned up) before ever making it into the office. We never did get our taxes done. Maybe this weekend?

I spent most of the week doing some training on Alternative Investments and reviewing client accounts and trying to figure out what to advise people in this market. I am remaining cautious as I don't think we know yet how bad the credit crunch / financial crisis will be or what effect it will have on main street's economy. There are mixed signals, but I am electing to err on the side of caution.

Monday evening I got home early and spent the time watching the HBO mini-series "John Adams" which I had on TIVO. I think it is a 4 part series and the last one is this weekend. Yoko and I also watched the movie "The Good Shepard" which was about the founding of the CIA. I found this to be really quite interesting. My college professor, Elenor Hadley, was part of the OSS (Office of Strategic Services forerunner of the CIA) that developed the plans for occupying Japan in 1945... She worked for the government her entire career, but was blacklisted during the McCarthy Era as one of the "communist sympathizers" in the State Department in the 1950's... She had an interesting life and was a great friend and teacher.

What is the plan for next week? Monday and Tuesday I have to get my shots. Tuesday I have to see Dr. Moss about my horseness, which seems to be about the same or a little worse. Otherwise, you could hardly know I am sick at all. The neuropathy seem about the same. I feel numbness in my feet and a little in my fingers. Next Fridiay will be my 8th chemo in consolidation and will mark the half way point. Saturday and Sunday next week is the airshow. If my WBC is low, I probably should not work the gates as I would normally.

Hopefully, I can remain healthy and "in a groove" though April as I have a LOT to do!