The Definition of Hope

Here is another picture of the family (a Christmas gift from my brother and sisters) taken by Paula Kennedy at Christmas in our back yard. Nice huh? Janet Minrich says in her comment on the last blog that she sees Yoko and I in each of the girls; people say June looks most like me -- poor kid. Luckily they have compensating features from their mother that more than offset any flaws they get from me! I really like this picture.

Since I started chemo last year have been reading "Team of Rivals" -- the Pulitzer-prize winning history of the Lincoln Administration by Doris Kearns Goodwin. The book was sent to me by my mother right after my diagnosis of cancer. It is about 750 pages. Each week I take it to chemo. I have only read it during chemo treatments. Most times I fall asleep before I get much read. Today was my 6th treatment in the consolidation phase -- 10 more to go. Altogether (definitive treatment and consolidation) I have had 14 treatments and I am on page 690 -- only 60 or so pages to go. I am averaging only 50 pages per treatment or about 10 pages per hour; this is not exactly speed reading! If you look at the comments from the last blog, I guess I will have to read "The Secret" next, since everyone else seems to have read it!

There was something I was reading in the Lincoln history today that struck me and I wanted to share it with you because I thought it was profound. Lincoln was known for being vexed by "melancholy" (what is today called "depression"). Against the council of his advisers, Lincoln decided to visit General Grant and the front lines at City Point in the Spring of 1864...just before the battle of The Wilderness. According to Goodwin, Lincoln timed the visit as a way to maintain a positive attitude and keep his depression at bay. (Apparently visits to the front lifted his mood.) In talking about this, Goodwin quotes Daniel Goldman's study of emotional intelligence, who writes "Having hope means that one will not give in to overwhelming anxiety, a defeatist attitude or depression in the face of difficult challenges or setbacks." Hope is "more than the sunny view that everything will turn out all right"; it is "believing you have the will and the way to accomplish your goals." Lincoln was able to keep a positive attitude during the battle of the Wilderness by doing the thing that made him feel better about the outcome of the war. That is exactly what I am doing in my battle with cancer.

I loved this description of hope. Ten pages earlier in the same book, Goodwin quotes the young daughter of Secretary of State William Seward, Fanny, who on meeting her acting idol, the famed Charlotte Cushman, writes in her diary "I am full of hope that I may yet make my life worth the living and be of some use in the world." She was referring to her plan to become an actress. What struck me was how often (in this book and generally) people define their life and their life's ambition as "being able to do good in the world."

The things I do today that gives me a positive attitude and lifts my spirits are all the charitable activities that keep me busy. While I am well, I have the opportunity to do more -- and I want to take it. We should all do something...and we can all do more. Rotary's motto is "Service Above Self." I think it is a great motto to uphold in your life even if you never step one foot into a church.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was in shock and I had no plan. I was in an emotional state because I did not know what was coming or what to expect. Every step has been an anxious entry into the unknown and I think I could easily have become depressed. I started this blog as therapy and it has worked well for me to write. Six months later, I still don't know how this thing will progress, but as time has gone by I have become less anxious and more hopeful. I have the will and a plan to get better. So far it is working.

Good (scientific) medical advice was the first part of the plan. I am getting good advice and care. Maintaining my lifestyle (not altering my life to accommodate cancer) and doing the things that I like has been the second part of my plan. I continue to play golf and take money from my friends, I am reading and writing, I am pursuing my interest in art, and so far I have missed very few work days. My production at work has not been affected (despite fewer hours) and I have not lost clients (until this week) over this. If I could, I would spend more even time reading and writing and working on charitable projects and even less time in the office.

Third, I am trying to improve my nutrition. I am eating three well balanced meals a day and I have not gone on any crazy diets. Yoko is my nutritionist and I eat what she gives me. (This morning I got shakemusubi (salmon rice ball wrapped in seaweed) for lunch. Everyone at the cancer center wanted to know what I was eating!) You will see below that the only time I had Western food all week was the night I had dinner with the seminar guests at Heron Creek. All the rest of the week I had Chinese, Indian, and Japanese lunches and dinners!

The only thing I have not done is exercise. I lack the time and energy to do it...but it is the one thing I need to tackle. I have a treadmill in the room. I just need to use it everyday. My friend Chris Maher has been walking and exercising since he learned about my diagnosis and has lost 30 or 40 pounds....maybe he can help motivate me. I should start walking with him at 5 AM.

Every week goes by so quickly. I have noticed since my diagnosis that time has accelerated. It seems like only yesterday I started this blog...but we are going on six months! Let me give you a run down of this past week.

Monday was St. Patrick's Day. Nothing special happened, except the stock market was reeling. What sent things south was the collapse of Bear Stearns, the venerable (or should I say vulnerable) investment bank, over the weekend. Jamie Diamon at Chase did a pretty good job of getting Bear for next to nothing... Hopefully John Mack and Morgan Stanley gets the next call from the Fed to rescue someone! By Tuesday the market had rallied...and then gave back three fourths of the gain on Wednesday. Thursday was positive, so all in all the market was a little better than the week began. What a roller coaster! The stress of the market has stressed some of my clients....so I have tried to reach out to many to talk about where I see things going. (I think we are headed for a deeper, broader, and longer recession than anyone on Wall Street or in government is willing to admit right now and I am not optimistic over the next 12 - 24 months.)

When you saw the story about Bear Stearns did you think about what happens to Bear Stearns employees who loose their job and medical benefits and have cancer? They would be covered under COBRA for 18 months; but then they would either have to get coverage under another plan or buy coverage for themselves. The insurance company carrying them would have to offer coverage, but it would not have to be offered cheap -- and no one will want to insure a cancer patient! Not a day goes by these days that I don't think about cancer, medical insurance, and the health care industry in general. If I lost my job or if Morgan Stanley were to go out of business, I would be OK for a while...but then Yoko and I would have a problem -- big time. All I can say is that I better keep my job and Morgan Stanley better remain in business!

Tuesday Paula came home from California. Yoko took off from work to pick Paula up at the airport at 1 PM. I had a seminar that evening in Punta Gorda. (We had 24 couples come and I think I will get at least one or two new clients out of this.) I was exhausted before the seminar even began and came right home afterward to see Paula. We ate Chinese together (gyoza, chahan, and egg-drop) and had a nice talk (mostly about the up-coming wedding, married life, etc.) One thing I learned was that Paula is now teaching her first graders to do something that I insisted all my kids do when they were little -- summarize what they want to tell me in one clear and concise sentence. My theory was that kids would be able to write better if they could speak more clearly. Rather than tell me things in one, long run-on sentence, I asked them to say what they had to say in ONE clear and concise sentence. It was nice to know that this idea for teaching kids how to speak and write better is being passed on to others!

Wednesday morning I had Rotary at 7AM and another seminar that evening at Heron Creek (only 11 people). I had a delicious steak dinner and I am sure we will get one more couple as clients from this seminar as well. My partner (I call him"mini me") Ryan is working hard and doing a good job. His Japanese fiance (Megumi) is now here from Japan. They will be getting married in May. Ryan is my plan B if I get so sick I can not work. He does all the work organizing our marketing efforts and getting out into the community to meet people.

After Wednesday's somewhat grueling schedule, I was too tired to go into work on Thursday. I got up and got dressed, but when I finished breakfast at 9 AM, I decided I was just too tired and could not do it . I called the office and went back to bed. An hour or so later, while I was lying in bed, I got a severe cramp in my foot and calf. I yelled for help and got out of bed and was able to work out the cramps -- Yoko came running to my rescue and massaged my cramping leg. I asked Scott today about why I am cramping and he says the chemo causes a loss of potassium that could result in muscle cramping. I am drinking more liquids and Yoko has now made banana shakes part of the daily menu.

I have also developed some hoarseness. Scott thinks it could be a fungus that grows on the larynx as a result of taking steroids. He has given me an anti-fungal to take for 5 days. If that does not take care of the problem I will go back to see my ENT, Dr. Moss. I am also a little dizzy/ lightheaded from time to time. I am not sure what may be causing dizziness or lightheadedness. I am thinking it could be the medication (lyrica) I am taking; or it could be the cisplatin affecting my inner ear. This is another question to ask Dr. Lunin. My MO these days is to send Dr. Lunin e-mail with questions like this...he normally responds within 12 hours.

Anyway, on Thursday I was so "tired" that I decided to stay home. While I was home in bed cramping, I got a call on my cell phone from a client in Indiana who decided to move his assets (to E-trade of all places!) after I told him about my cancer a few days ago. My reaction? Good riddance. The man has been with me less than a year and is not a good client -- meaning he does not take my advice and just barely meets my minium ($500K). So I am not too upset I guess. He's a time waster -- so be gone! I stayed in bed until 2PM and then got up, re-dressed, and did some work from home by remote.

At 4 PM I had a meeting/ presentation with the three area hospital CEOs. By then I was feeling better and I went from home to the clinic to coordinate on the presentation. After that I returned home and changed into street clothes. Paula and Yoko were down in Ft Myers shopping when I got home at 6PM, so I called down to India Palace and ordered curry and nan for dinner, which they picked up on their way home. After dinner Paula and I went back to the clinic at 8 PM so I could show her around and explain what we are doing. I introduced her to the people that were still there. While we were visiting we had a family walk in at the last minute with no appointment -- all sick with the flu -- five people including two little kids. Our physician's assistant, Joanie, stayed to take care of them; I stayed away from the sick kids! (The last thing I need is to get the flu!)

Today is Good Friday. Paula and I went to Florida Cancer Specialists this morning for my infusion. (She said she wanted to see.) She stayed for an hour and got to meet Dr. Lunin and the nurses and watch them hook me up. Paula observed that Scott is not what she imagined -- he talks fast and and in short and concise sentences -- and he has a sense of humor. She said she could see his mind was going a mile a minute. Anyway, she was happy to have had the chance to meet him. Paula left from the cancer center for Plantation, Florida, where she is meeting-up with friends who are organizing a bachelorette party for her. She'll be home again on Easter. She leaves again for California on Monday.

Yoko and I have no big plans for the weekend. We still have to finish prepping for our tax returns (I HATE that job and I keep putting it off); we have other home office things to do as well. If it is a nice day, maybe we'll go down to Verandah and do some more kayaking or maybe I'll see if someone wants to play golf. Sunday I have normal golf league and it would probably be a good idea to go to church, since it IS Easter. Happy Easter!

People get hope from attending church. I passed the church parking lots today and they were full of cars. There are a lot of people in churches are praying for me. I want them to pray and I should probably go and worship myself. In the meantime, I am working for forgiveness and redemption in my own way.

What gives ME hope is having a plan and not loosing sight of my goals.

PS....I am also reading the bible from cover to cover -- which I have never done -- but at the rate I am going, it may take 10 years....which is fine by me.