One problem I don't have is finding things to do with my time. I seem to run from one thing to the next. I would much prefer to have the time to do the things I enjoy. I am working 12 hour days (on the days that I work) and I still can not seem to get caught up. The long work days leaves me little time to do the things I would really like to do. I just wish I had more time for myself.
I have conversations every day with people who make cavalier remarks that irk me. Someone I was meeting with today (who is roughly my age) said "I want to use my last dollar on the day I die." (With the market down 300 points yesterday, that day may be sooner rather than later!) Anyway, it got me to thinking what a crock this statement actually is... Look at me! I would STOP working if I knew I am going to die soon. The fact is, I may die this year or next year, or I may live five or ten years. Since I don't know, I have to go on living life the same as I always have and try to maintain and/or grow my bank account. If I get sick, I won't be well enough to spend my last dollar. If I don't get sick, I'll have to keep working. Ugh.
Anyway, all week I have complained to Yoko about having to go to work . Fact of the matter is I feel as well as I ever have and my demise is a long way off, which means I will probably work until I can't work any longer. What a depressing thought!
My lack of enthusiasm for work these days means I take my sweet time to get into the office. Yesterday morning I was just sitting down to breakfast at around 9 AM when Advanced Imaging called to say that the CT/ PET machine was had unscheduled maintenance this coming Tuesday. They offered to take me today (if I had not already eaten) or reschedule. Since I had not eaten and had nothing pressing at work, I decided to go in for the CT and PET scan. I got to Advanced Imaging by 10 AM and had an injection of radioactive particles. You have to wait about an hour for these to circulate. Next I had the CT Scan, where they inject iodine for contrast and then take a series of high resolution x-rays. After that I had the PET scan. All I had to do was lay still with my arms above my head while the machine scanned my entire body. Sounds easy, except that they were having trouble with the machine, so instead of 25 minutes I had to lay motionless for nearly an hour. This has never happened to me before but I started to panic. Staying in that machine and not being able to move for that length of time was like torture. My arms went to sleep and I literally began to feel something akin to drowning or choking. It was really difficult to complete the test, but, with coaching, I made it through. (This experience does not make me want to go through it again, however.)
I was done with the testing by 12:30 and took a disc home of the CT pictures, since I did not want to wait to hear the results. There has been obvious dramatic shrinkage of the tumor in my right lung. I will have to wait until Monday (when I see my radiology oncologist, Dave Rice) to know what he thinks of the pictures. Dr Lunin will see them next week; I have an appointment with him on the 29th. No wonder I am feeling so good!
The big question is whether the cancer cell metabolism has slowed. My guess is that it must have or we would not have seen such dramatic shrinkage. I am fully recovered from the first round of chemo. I am golfing in the low 80's again and I have regained weight (now 150 lbs), so I am ready to go on to the next "consolidation" round.
The shrinkage is so dramatic that it does raise a question in my mind as to whether surgery may now be possible. I will be anxious to ask that question at my next appointment. I'll try to get the before and after pictures on this blog so you can see the difference.
The only bad thing about all this good news is that I may have to work for a long time yet. Oh well, I guess that is the price of success? Maybe they will be able to operate and I will get two or three months off work. Let's hope.
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4 comments:
I hope the news you get next week is good news, surgery would be terrific. Thinking of you and Yoko and thankful that you can still work and hoping that you have many many years of work to go. :)
xoxoxx
Linda
I wonder if this “I’m really tired of working” thing affects all guys our age? It’s not that I’m tired of working, it’s more of “I’m tired of what I’m doing”. Don’t get me wrong … I do love my job, the people I work with, and let’s face it … a job that let’s me make my own hours (mostly), where I have little, if any, direct supervision, work that has a high profile in the company, and that sends me to Europe for 2-3 months a year … that’s not a bad gig!!
BUT … this work is not my “passion”. It’s a job, maybe even a mini-career. But I’m not passionate about it any longer. SO … since my day is already screwy (I’m working at 4 AM each morning, and am finished by around 12:30 or so (the plus and negative of supporting Europe), I have my afternoons and evenings open. I went and found an Event Planning company (Boston Butler), and interviewed with them. It’s a small firm trying like hell to get big. I’m now working as a partner in charge of New Business Development, and will be involved in Event Planning for everything we eventually sell. I’m not going to say that part is my passion, but, the Event Planning and execution is. Plus I might make a little extra money in the process.
The second thing I’ve decided to do is to help out a 501(c)3 organisation: Project 10 East. This organization creates and sustains safe space by offering support to GLBT youth, their peers, educators, and families within their schools. By developing an enduring relationship with the school community, Project 10 East helps shape the skills necessary for GLBT youth to have an unobstructed path towards success both academically and personally. Everyday Project 10 East works to secure the future of the GLBT community by investing in and promoting the growth of GLBT youth.
As it turns out, all of my technical and creative skills come together for this project: after working with BSA all of those years, I know how to fund raise, how to attract “high level personalities” to a Board of Directors, working with educators, and as a business professional, knowing how to develop business plans in support of grant applications, etc. This organization helps keep gay kids in school, helps mentor them into a paradigm for success (as well as probably reducing suicides amoungst gay youth) and is a force of good change in the way schools view their “different” students.
Long story short (I know … too late!!) … my lack of enthusiasm for my real job has put me in a position to do some other things that I do have some enthusiasm for.
I’m not telling you anything new, I know. You’re probably the busiest person I know, and you seem to have a hell-of-a-lot on your plate, much of which, it sounds, is personally gratifying. I was more commenting on the “I don’t want to work anymore” sentiment.
It was good to hear about the PET and CT scans. Let’s be optimistic that you’ll be whining about yet another year in the trenches this time next year !!
Your bro
Frankie
Let's see that tumor shrinkage xray online! I am dying to see it. Hope it's nothing but good news this week- I think it will be.
I also like the new look of the blog. XOXO Paula
I feel like I'm on the opposite end of "I'm tired of working." For me, its..."I'm ready to work" by doing something I'm passionate about! I guess I'm fortunate to be in this position:)I am and will always be passionate about being a good mom, but having something outside the family is fabulous and stimulating. I'll meet the kids I'll be working with this week. I have 13 kids right off the bat...from elementary thru high school suffering from SA or DV. (sexual abuse or domestic violence)
Your scan looks promising! I kept going back and forth and there were other changes too...I wondered what they were? (white areas?)
Did you decide which picuture(s)to keep as your family portrait?? Let us know. love, peg and the fam
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