After coming home from chemo I was kind of tired and took a nap for an hour. I got home just in time to watch the guys deliver and assemble our new treadmill. The thing looked much smaller at Sears! Anyway, I was too tired to give it a try, so I took a nap.
I am not sure what steroids do for cancer treatment (I'll have to ask Dr Lunin), but I do know they get me pretty hyped up! According to the nurses I asked, it is not uncommon for people being treated with chemo and steroids to become energized and sleepless. Its a common complaint. So here I am again at 2 AM, unable to sleep and raring to go like the energizer bunny. I knew this was coming. I should have hooked the treadmill up to a generator. I could have lit the city of Punta Gorda tonight.
I was thinking about drinking myself into a stupor, but then I remembered that I can't because drinking usually results in heartburn for me and that would be worse. So here I am blogging again. (Nothing better to do) This one may really drag on for a while -- have nothing to do with cancer and get sloppy...so you can stop reading at any time or skip to another blog.
I am not sure what steroids do for cancer treatment (I'll have to ask Dr Lunin), but I do know they get me pretty hyped up! According to the nurses I asked, it is not uncommon for people being treated with chemo and steroids to become energized and sleepless. Its a common complaint. So here I am again at 2 AM, unable to sleep and raring to go like the energizer bunny. I knew this was coming. I should have hooked the treadmill up to a generator. I could have lit the city of Punta Gorda tonight.
I was thinking about drinking myself into a stupor, but then I remembered that I can't because drinking usually results in heartburn for me and that would be worse. So here I am blogging again. (Nothing better to do) This one may really drag on for a while -- have nothing to do with cancer and get sloppy...so you can stop reading at any time or skip to another blog.
I got home from cancer treatment at around 3 PM and, once the Sears guys left, I took about a 2 hour nap. By 5:30 I was starving, so I got up and -- low and behold -- Yoko had made roast beef and mash potatoes for dinner. We had salad, mushrooms, and green beans as well. For desert she bought pumpkin pie. I must say, when Yoko is around I always eat well. I don't know why I am so skinny and even loosing a little weight. I think I lost a pound or two in the last two weeks and that is NOT because I am not eating. There is something else at work in my metabolism.
As long as I can eat this well, I am avoiding drink "Boost" (liquid calories - its like a chocolate milkshake) because I have a sneaking suspicion there may be something in it to which I am allergic. It was the only unusual thing that I had the week I developed the rash. Since I have stopped drinking Boost the rash has gone away. I was taking allergy medication. As of yesterday I am not taking any medication except aciflex for acid refux. So I am going to avoid Boost this week and see if a rash develops. If I don't get a rash, then I can perhaps eliminate the chemo as the allergy agent. If start drinking Boost again and the rash re-appears, I will have solved the mystery.
After diner I did a little work on this blog -- called my Mom to see if she was getting these OK --and then we sat down to watch a movie, Godfather III, which I have seen a million times but Yoko did not really remember. I love most mafia movies (The Godfather Trilogy, The Sopranos, etc.) I think part of the reason is that I can relate to the idea of family as it is portrayed in these movies. Michael Corleone is a tragic character and so is his father, Vito. They are heavily influenced by Sicilian culture; they did not start out as bad guys; they were trying to take care of their families and bring "justice" to the world. They come to realize that the world is corrupt and that there is no justice and really no difference between powerful politicians (who are corrupt) and powerful "criminals." Michael and Vito Corleone see themselves as people aspiring to power and getting what is rightfully theirs for their family. They don't see themselves as criminals. I see them as heroic (albeit ruthless and immoral) but tragic characters. They are brave and willing to do things that most other people would never consider doing. You have to admire their bravery and their ability to commit outrageous acts to further their goals. They have a certain wisdom about people and the world.
Anyway, at the end of Godfather III, Michael Corleone has achieved his life's ambitions. He has extricated his family from criminal activity, he has won back the love of his wife, he has watched his son begin a career in the "legitimate world", he has confessed his sins, and he has relinquished his responsibilities as head of the family. He has abandoned ambition. But the one thing he was trying to do his whole life -- protect his family -- is lost. His innocent daughter is murderd in the end by a bullet meant for him.
What makes Godfather III tragic is that Michael is NOT killed -- his daughter is the one to die. HE lives to be an old man. That is a tragedy because his life's work -- all he had achieved -- was in vein. Without his daughter living a full and happy life, HIS life had no meaning. He would not allow her to be with the man she loved. (Her first cousin was probably a bad choice on her part.)Symbolically, his success in stopping the relationship kills herand kills his family.He dies unhappy and alone. For Michael Corleone, it would have been better had the bullet killed him.
At one point in the movie -- when Michael tries to convince Kay he is not a bad man, he says " I would give my soul for my family." I think that sums up his thinking and motivation. Nothing is too much for his family. My father was that way. So am I. I think most fathers (Italian or not) feel that way, which is why these mafia movies appeal more to men than they do to women. I think the message is lost on women, who -- like Kay -- only see the violence (the means to an end) and only see a villan. They never really recognize the heroism. In fact, the only woman in the movie who really appreciates Michael -- and sees him as a hero -- is his sister Connie.
Of course, I have lived in a house with women /girls for 27 years now and they (Yoko and the girls) don't really appreciate these kinds of movies. Women have different sensibilities than men, but I am not sure I have been able to teach my girls about men. They just think I am not like them. I guess they will find out soon enough. Just remember girls, women and men are NOTHING alike! And double that if the woman is Japanese and the man is an American!
Yoko watched about half the movie with me and then at 10:30PM decided she would go jogging on the treadmill in our bedroom. She rejoined me as the movie ended at 11:30PM having run/walked about 1.5 miles in 30 minutes. After the movie I was still hyped up, so I also decided to give the treadmill a try. I went about 1 mile (walk/run) in 20 minutes, not wanting to overdo it the first time out. It is a nice machine and I think we may actually use it. My plan is to run/walk twice a day for 15 minutes each time. That would get me about 2 - 3 miles a day of aerobic exercise. The machine is quite enough to walk, watch TV or read a book at the same time. I may try watching football and walking at the same time.
Yoko watched about half the movie with me and then at 10:30PM decided she would go jogging on the treadmill in our bedroom. She rejoined me as the movie ended at 11:30PM having run/walked about 1.5 miles in 30 minutes. After the movie I was still hyped up, so I also decided to give the treadmill a try. I went about 1 mile (walk/run) in 20 minutes, not wanting to overdo it the first time out. It is a nice machine and I think we may actually use it. My plan is to run/walk twice a day for 15 minutes each time. That would get me about 2 - 3 miles a day of aerobic exercise. The machine is quite enough to walk, watch TV or read a book at the same time. I may try watching football and walking at the same time.
Anyway, I was hoping that a short jog would get me tried enough to sleep, but after laying in bed for an hour, here I am.
As long as I am legally on steroids, I am going to get a lot done. This would be a good time to write a book or begin body building --I think I'll break out the weights. Actually, I should finish the screenplay I always wanted to write. I have 12 pages...only 100 or so more to go.
This chemo is like getting an oil change...at least initially...you feel like you body is humming and well lubricated. I was thinking of asking Dr Lunin for something to help me bring me down so I can sleep, but then I remembered that I am addictive personality. Next thing you know I'll be hooked on steroids and sleeping pills. No thank you. I think I'll just stay up and blog till I get sleepy -- even if that mean saying up until 6 AM.
I am reading "Team of Rivals" which Mom gave me for my birthday. Most of what we know about people in the Lincoln administration, which is what the book is about, comes from the letters and diaries that they wrote. They did not have TV, the Internet, i-pods and other modern distractions. They read (sometimes the same book over and over till it was memorized) and they wrote a lot. That is how we learn about their mind set and what they were thinking. And that is why people in that era could recite whole passages of books or poetry...just like I know most of the lines from Casablanca and other movies I have seen or the words of hundreds of songs I have heard over and over again.
Thankfully we have the writings of historic figure in diaries and letters where they would express their inner self. We still have to interpret what they say, but we have a much better insight into their personalities. I would venture to say we know more about historic figures of the 17th, 18th century and 19th century than others because they wrote about their lives extensively and they wrote well. When I was growing up, diaries were "encouraged" but it was work. I did keep a diary for much of the year I went to Japan in high school. I will have to find it. But I wished I had kept a diary my whole life.
As long as I am legally on steroids, I am going to get a lot done. This would be a good time to write a book or begin body building --I think I'll break out the weights. Actually, I should finish the screenplay I always wanted to write. I have 12 pages...only 100 or so more to go.
This chemo is like getting an oil change...at least initially...you feel like you body is humming and well lubricated. I was thinking of asking Dr Lunin for something to help me bring me down so I can sleep, but then I remembered that I am addictive personality. Next thing you know I'll be hooked on steroids and sleeping pills. No thank you. I think I'll just stay up and blog till I get sleepy -- even if that mean saying up until 6 AM.
I am reading "Team of Rivals" which Mom gave me for my birthday. Most of what we know about people in the Lincoln administration, which is what the book is about, comes from the letters and diaries that they wrote. They did not have TV, the Internet, i-pods and other modern distractions. They read (sometimes the same book over and over till it was memorized) and they wrote a lot. That is how we learn about their mind set and what they were thinking. And that is why people in that era could recite whole passages of books or poetry...just like I know most of the lines from Casablanca and other movies I have seen or the words of hundreds of songs I have heard over and over again.
Thankfully we have the writings of historic figure in diaries and letters where they would express their inner self. We still have to interpret what they say, but we have a much better insight into their personalities. I would venture to say we know more about historic figures of the 17th, 18th century and 19th century than others because they wrote about their lives extensively and they wrote well. When I was growing up, diaries were "encouraged" but it was work. I did keep a diary for much of the year I went to Japan in high school. I will have to find it. But I wished I had kept a diary my whole life.
There are so many stories to tell ....and maybe I can remember enough to tell some. But as time goes on, months and years are lost to memory. My college friends, Luther Liggett and Tom Witt, were recounting the time they came to visit Yoko and I at Penn State. They remembered the trip as if it were yesterday, yet I don't even remember them coming to visit us there...See what I mean? Maybe if I had kept a diary then, I would remember. Yoko's theory -- like all Japanese -- is that taking lots of photos it is a way of jogging the memory and keeping those moments alive.
What what I am discovering by doing this blog is that there is a lot of stuff that goes on in every day life...and if you start to record it and reflect upon it, you may end up discovering that your everyday life has something going on that is interesting, funny or fun. An interesting life can pass you by if you don't stop and look at the life you have and really appreciate it. Count your blessings. Realize that there are always people around you with worse problems and you will be satisfied with what you have. If you get depressed or down about your life or the circumstances you find yourself in, watch a COPS episode on TV. My father use to say, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the hill." You should realize that the other side of the hill may be a cliff. Be happy for the green grass you live in.
People are never just satisfied with what they have at the moment. They always want more. They can't get more soon enough and once the have it it is never enough. I talk with people all the time that have more money than what they can spend in their lifetime. But it is not enough. They want more, but they can't tell me why. The moral is that if you seek material wealth in this world and never give anything back, you are never going to be truly happy or satisfied.
Families should be like the Cratchets -- not Stooge -- in a Christmas Carol; cheerful in whatever circumstances you find yourself and be happy and satisfied by the the caring and love you share in one another. You help one another and look out for each other. We are all invalids, like Tiny Tim, in some way. No one is perfect. In families you look try to look past imperfections.
Since I have been doing this blog, I have begun to reflect on my life to date and realize what a blessed and unusual life I have had. I am grateful to be able to go through something like this with a wife and three daughters, a mother, and other family who care about me. I am working and insured. We are not going to be bankrupted by all this; we can afford the best care. I live at a time when fantastic technology can extend my life well beyond what it might otherwise be. I have travelled all over the world; I have met Presidents and Prime Ministers, and many many persons of note. I lost my business in Japan, but was able to recover and not declare bankruptcy. I have lost my house in a hurricane and now live in a house that is better than the original. I lost my job in May, but got paid to move to a new job. (How many people can say that? Can you imagine if I discovered Ihad lung cancer in May (instead of October) when I might have been between jobs? How lucky was that!) I am not in pain or suffering in any way. I really can't complain about anything. And, if I was going to be killed by something at an early age, I would rather like to have time to be prepared and prepare the people around me. I am not happy about getting lung cancer, but all in all it could be worse.
A friend of my, Denis Munholand, also 52, was killed this year in a freak car accident. It was a shock because it was so sudden. I hope I live another 20 years, but if not, I am grateful that I now can really appreciate whatever time I may have left. The last years may be the best and most meaningful of my life. This really would have been tragic if it had happened 10 years ago, when I was on my heals. My kids are adults or very near there and Yoko will have the three girls to count on. I am glad for that. My family will be OK. Now I am hoping to accomplish a lot in the time I have left. I feel I have wasted a LOT of time and I hope I can teach my children not to do the same.
If you Google my name, you are not going to get much. My sister Peggy says this blog can be my legacy. God I hope not. It would be embarrassing if this were the only thing I left behind. To me, a legacy is something that leaves the world a better place. For Thomas Edison it was his inventions and his company. I would have liked to have had a legacy like Winston Churchill, my favorite historic character. My legacy is my children and what I have taught them. They and their children are the ones that can change the world for the better. They should think about that -- how their life and work will change the world.
Paula has found teaching. What a great profession. She loves it and she can have a huge impact on many many people for the rest of their lives. She should think about that. It is not just a job to pay the bills. Perhaps SHE should start a blog about the kids she is teaching and how she copes with her everyday life. Maybe she would get a lot out of this kind of self reflection about what she is doing and why.
June is just getting started and trying to survive on her own. She is living in Hawaii and working in one of the most beautiful places in the world. June is so smart and talented. She needs to realize that she can do anything she wants to do in any field. I have high hopes and aspirations that June will find something she loves; whatever she does I know she will have a big impact.
Jessie is just starting college and I tell her that she should keep and open mind and take classes and get involved in lots of different things. She is hard working, extremely people smart, and beautiful. If she can fend off the boys long enough and balance her social life with academics and intellectual pursuits, she too will find something that she loves...that she knows nothing about today. The key is keeping an open mind and trying lots of DIFFERENT things and meeting lots of different people.
Everyone tells us that we have great kids -- the fact of the matter s that we really do. Mostly I credit Yoko for raising the girls -- I was working and never around much to have an impact. I DO want to take credit for going to Japan to find Yoko and bringing her back here. I will also take credit for the tough love side of raising our kids, cause Yoko could never say no. But I can't imagine what my life would be like without her or "my girls." I am truly a blessed man for having such a wonderful family. I want you to know how much I love you all.
Since I have been doing this blog, I have begun to reflect on my life to date and realize what a blessed and unusual life I have had. I am grateful to be able to go through something like this with a wife and three daughters, a mother, and other family who care about me. I am working and insured. We are not going to be bankrupted by all this; we can afford the best care. I live at a time when fantastic technology can extend my life well beyond what it might otherwise be. I have travelled all over the world; I have met Presidents and Prime Ministers, and many many persons of note. I lost my business in Japan, but was able to recover and not declare bankruptcy. I have lost my house in a hurricane and now live in a house that is better than the original. I lost my job in May, but got paid to move to a new job. (How many people can say that? Can you imagine if I discovered Ihad lung cancer in May (instead of October) when I might have been between jobs? How lucky was that!) I am not in pain or suffering in any way. I really can't complain about anything. And, if I was going to be killed by something at an early age, I would rather like to have time to be prepared and prepare the people around me. I am not happy about getting lung cancer, but all in all it could be worse.
A friend of my, Denis Munholand, also 52, was killed this year in a freak car accident. It was a shock because it was so sudden. I hope I live another 20 years, but if not, I am grateful that I now can really appreciate whatever time I may have left. The last years may be the best and most meaningful of my life. This really would have been tragic if it had happened 10 years ago, when I was on my heals. My kids are adults or very near there and Yoko will have the three girls to count on. I am glad for that. My family will be OK. Now I am hoping to accomplish a lot in the time I have left. I feel I have wasted a LOT of time and I hope I can teach my children not to do the same.
If you Google my name, you are not going to get much. My sister Peggy says this blog can be my legacy. God I hope not. It would be embarrassing if this were the only thing I left behind. To me, a legacy is something that leaves the world a better place. For Thomas Edison it was his inventions and his company. I would have liked to have had a legacy like Winston Churchill, my favorite historic character. My legacy is my children and what I have taught them. They and their children are the ones that can change the world for the better. They should think about that -- how their life and work will change the world.
Paula has found teaching. What a great profession. She loves it and she can have a huge impact on many many people for the rest of their lives. She should think about that. It is not just a job to pay the bills. Perhaps SHE should start a blog about the kids she is teaching and how she copes with her everyday life. Maybe she would get a lot out of this kind of self reflection about what she is doing and why.
June is just getting started and trying to survive on her own. She is living in Hawaii and working in one of the most beautiful places in the world. June is so smart and talented. She needs to realize that she can do anything she wants to do in any field. I have high hopes and aspirations that June will find something she loves; whatever she does I know she will have a big impact.
Jessie is just starting college and I tell her that she should keep and open mind and take classes and get involved in lots of different things. She is hard working, extremely people smart, and beautiful. If she can fend off the boys long enough and balance her social life with academics and intellectual pursuits, she too will find something that she loves...that she knows nothing about today. The key is keeping an open mind and trying lots of DIFFERENT things and meeting lots of different people.
Everyone tells us that we have great kids -- the fact of the matter s that we really do. Mostly I credit Yoko for raising the girls -- I was working and never around much to have an impact. I DO want to take credit for going to Japan to find Yoko and bringing her back here. I will also take credit for the tough love side of raising our kids, cause Yoko could never say no. But I can't imagine what my life would be like without her or "my girls." I am truly a blessed man for having such a wonderful family. I want you to know how much I love you all.
Sorry for being so wordy. I am not sleepy, but it is 7 AM and Yoko can't sleep without me. I am going to bed so she can rest!
10 comments:
Tommy, is that a Penn State hat you are wearing in your golf picture?? With all the FSU/UF graduates in your home,,,I'm surprised you can get away with that!! The sterroids are given for hypersensitivity to Taxol. They help to prevent allergic reaction as the diluent for Taxol very often causes unwanted reactions. It does make some hyper, how much are you getting.. do you know the dose??
Having dinner with Mom on Sunday, I expect Matt too. Have hardly seen him since he started the job with JG Wentworth. Love to all
jane
p.s. I love these long narratives
If you look under Weekly Chemo Treatment,you will see I am getting 20 mg of Decadron, which I think is the steroid. I have no idea if that is a litte or a lot. I am not sure if Aloxi is a steroid or not..but I am getting 25 mg of that as well. In fact everything prior to the taxol are preperation drugs...
The length of this narrative is directly related to time and steroids. I think it is one of the better blogs on this site so far. Thanks Janie. Love
Yes. That is a Penn State hat I am wearing. Go Lions! Talk about long in the tooth...Joe Pa...someone needs to tell you...its time to give it up!
Hey Tommy,
I'm reading "Teams of Rivals" too. I find it fasinating and you're right about how piecing who these people really were comes out of the diaries they all kept. I absolutely love the way the spoke back in those days and how honest and forthright they were with their feelings. I have loved reading this book. I'm glad to hear your doing well with the treatment and staying so positive. Keep them coming. Love you, Linda
That was beautiful. Thank you. XOXO Paula
Aloxi is considered an antiemetic. We don't use that one at LVH but it is for fighting nausea/vomiting and in combination with the Decadron is a very successful combination and more often than not successful. 20mg Decadron is good healthy dose, but that is what's "getting you" with re: to sleeping. As for JoePa....I don't know how anyone can do the same thing for sooooooooomany years and not become bored.???
xo
janie
I guess legacy's mean different things to different people...to me this blog is your legacy because your family and friends can really understand who you are when the soul is bare. You don't have to hide behind successful stories to reveal the real you. The real you reveals itself in the purest of forms--through vulnerability. That's what I was getting at. Being successful comes in many forms and one form is truly looking at yourself without pricetags, materialism and such. Your legacy will be your family and how they through your guidance and Yoko's will make the world a more desirable place to be in. Your legacy won't be land or a painting, it will be you.
This is the best blog yet! I was watching "The Departed" last night and I thought of you. Those mafia movies really do remind me of you. haha I think you did a great job of raising us Dad! You say you weren't there much, but I'd like to say that you were/are! There are so many decisions that us kids make because of you. I love you very much! Keep doing well :)
Great blog... I'm excited for you to start writing more for your script. Make sure to send drafts, and I'll proof read! :D
Maybe working out will help you balance out and you'll be able to sleep better... I think I left some weights around the house, so it may be good to give it a try! I'm getting a gym membership, too. Next time I see you we can compare biceps.
xoxo
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