On Thursday I will have my last session of chemo for a while. I get six weeks off and then we re stage to see what progress we have made, if any. I have 10 sessions of radiation yet to go, or another two weeks. At this point I am more bothered by the radiation than the chemo. It has definitely gotten harder to eat in the past week. I am glad the treatment is two-thirds completed. Tonight I had leftovers from Thanksgiving and the food was delicious, but I did not feel full after eating because it feels like the food is stuck in the middle of my chest. I am still hungry as I write this, but I am afraid to eat any more.
I have been surprised at how fast this first treatment regiment has gone by. When you are looking at seven weeks in front of you, it seems like a long time. Now that we have completed six weeks of treatment, it does not seem like it was very long at all. At this point in my life, I hope time will slow down a little!
Yoko has a slight cold; I think she is more run-down than I am. In my current vulnerable state she is staying away from me so as to not infect me. I went to bed early last night; Yoko slept in the guest room. I did not sleep well at all. I kept awakening every hour or two and I had some pretty weird dreams. (I am always dreaming about traveling. ) Last night I dreamt that I was leading a group traveling to Japan. Everyone in the group had cancer, but it wasn't bothering them too much!
Ever since the diagnosis, I have not slept deeply. I always wake up with a story about a dream. When I awake I am not tired or sleepy, but I don't feel rested either. I can function perfectly well, but I don't have a high level of energy. I am sure this has to do with my growing depletion of red blood cells. Of course, I am worried that everything from here goes well and that the course of this disease can be well managed and not too big of a burden on my family.
I noticed that I have developed a cough that is not a dry cough but contains some flem. This is new and I mention it as I know Dr Lunin will be asking. I have become much more sensitive to any little change in my body. I am now always wondering if something I notice could be a symptom for more ominous things. Flem in my cough... could this be the start of pleural effusion? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anyway, I will ask my doctor.
The other thing I have noticed is how my attitude toward people has become a bit more intolerant and less sympathetic. People make a big deal out of nothing. (Of course, not much compares with a life-threatening inoperable cancerous tumor.) For example, I got an e-mail from a client today who was furious that Morgan Stanley may force him to periodically change his password to access his accounts online. He was threatening to move to another firm if we make him change his password. He calmed down after I spoke with him but I really wanted to say, "I have lung cancer ....don't you have a serious complaint?" I should have a tee shirt made that says..."I Have Lung Cancer ....Don't Screw with Me." Instead of a smiley face, we could have the opposite frowny face. I really don't have much sympathy for people with these kinds of "problems" these days.
5 comments:
Your treatment has flown by. I can hardly believe it myself. I'm with you in regards to people who whine and complain about nothing!!! To add a little levity--do you remember the whinners on SNL. Dad and I used to act out their routine and everything we would say would have a whinning quality. That always made us laugh when we got in this mode!! Anyway--it just gave me a flashback when you brought this up. I wake up alot in the middle of the night since you've been diagnosed...so has Mom. It's hard to rest from my perspective when you want to do something and you can't. It's frustrating...we'll.. I can do something. I can write to you and talk to Yoko and the family and pray. That's what I can do. I'm rambling now...so I'll sign off.
Tommy,
I hear you Tom and know exactly what you mean. I've always been somewhat insenstive to people who complain about nothing. People whine about the most stupid things and if they took just one minute to look around at the world and put things in persepective, maybe they could calm the heck down about all the minutia.
It is hard for all of us that you have to go through this, and like Peggy I say a prayer every night for you and your family and I don't pray that much. But lately I find myself praying for my brother because that is the only thing I can do. I feel so helpless. Take care and give my love to Yoko and the kids.
xo
Linda
Hey Linda and Peggy:
Thanks for all the prayers. It must be working cause I feel perfectly fine and at peace. Yoko and I were arguing tonight about who worries more and we agreed that NEITHER of us worry much about things we can do nothing about. So don't worry about us! We'll be fine. There is nothing anyone can do so there is no use in worrying.
If something good could come out of this, I hope at least that you will quit smoking for good and make sure that no one else around you ever smokes again.
The other thing I have been thinking about is how to raise awareness for Lung Cancer research. Seems like we hear all about breast cancer and prostate cancer. Frankly these cancers get more attention because they have more survivors. Lung Cancer kills more people than ALL THE OTHER CANCERS COMBINED...but no one talks about that. Lung Cancer victims can not raise a voice; they don't have any political power because they die too quickly. Their survivors are the ones who will have to push for the research dollars and attention Lung Cancer deserves.
The last weeks of radiation usually are the hardest for patients. I am sorry eating has become more difficult. Have you tried puree soups and soft foods? It's only for a few more weeks. That is generally the recommendation. Not sleeping well just adds to the stress level too. Sleep deprivation is probably as difficult to handle as the dropping blood counts. Have you asked Dr. Lunin for anything?? It may help...and there is an arsenal of products to help you sleep so ask. If whining helped, we'd all be problem free I'm afraid. It seems the people who have the most to whine about don't and others fill the void by krevtching for everyone. The tee shirt should have a circle with NO WHINING and a line through it.
I love you Tom and Yoko. I don't pray so I'll keep you in my thoughts and heart.
xoxo
j
today is the 29th and no comment.... are you guys ok?? we got to the lake today and it's quiet. will catch you tommarrow. love you.
j
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